Monday, February 10, 2014

Taboo

In honor of my first dates and/or first conversations with members of the opposite sex who insist on talking about their ex, for hours, here's your sign. Just stop doing it. And hey, how about you let me get a word in edge-wise? Admitting that you are "a bad listener" doesn't excuse your inability to be courteous.

The 5 Things You Should Never Talk About on a First Date.

Everyone knows about the major first date faux pas: talking about your ex. If you talk about your ex, your date will get uncomfortable and take this as a sign that you are unable to get over your previous relationship. Which is probably true. But there are so many other ways that you people are screwing things up before your date even has a chance to order a second drink.
Let me help you.
Your job.
You’re employed! That’s awesome and now your date knows that you aren’t going ask to split the tab. What isn’t awesome is having to down a third glass of wine while you go on and on about how you hate your boss, you travel too much, you don’t travel enough, “It’s not glamorous, but it pays the bills”, how terrible your commute is, how many weeknights you’re stuck in the office past 8pm, and so on. Mentioning your job is fine, rambling about it endlessly is not.

The really embarrassing thing you did when you were drunk.

Drunk stories range from funny to horrifying and some people don’t seem to understand that there are things you really should not admit to a virtual stranger. Like, you could say, “I was so drunk one night, I did karaoke to a Creed song.” Ha! Hilarious! CREED! However, if you were so drunk you accidentally snapchatted your sister a picture of your penis? No. Not good. Do not tell anyone that.
Your dating adventures.
Telling terrible date stories on a first date can absolutely make it a fantastic date. You laugh. You bond. You make out. However, telling someone how you have been on 20 OkCupid dates in the last 25 days just kind of makes you sound like an OkWhore. This just shows that if you’re a woman, you are desperate and cannot afford to buy your own drinks. If you’re a man, you are desperate and currently maxing out your credit card.

Tragic and/or controversial current events.

Look, there is some crazy and terrible shit going on in the world. But your date is just trying to have a couple drinks, flirt a whole bunch, and possibly get a free Uber home. Your date does not want to talk about Trayvon Martin. Or Cory Monteith. Or the Boston marathon bombing. Or gay rights. And definitely not abortions. DO NOT BRING UP ABORTIONS. Just talk about how hot it’s been lately, how delicious this cocktail is, and if you’re going to get gelato later.
The future.
A first date is not a big deal. The person you are on a date with may very well have another date lined up tomorrow night and the night after that. You two are strangers trying to decide if you want to spend the next 2 hours together. Just because you both ordered the same drink and work in the same neighborhood doesn’t mean you’re going to buy matching goldendoodles and sail off into the sunset. Pump the brakes. Don’t ask about a second or third date in the first ten minutes of meeting this person.
Carry this knowledge with you, guys. Mind your manners and that first date could turn into a second one.
- Suzie Robb

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