Wednesday, August 24, 2016


I've probably posted about my discomfort in asking others for help before, but hey, struggles don't go away over night, right? So here I am again. A little better, a little more advanced, because now the problem isn't so much asking for help, but rather, how does one deal with the disappointment when your request for help is (legitimately) turned down? It's disappointing and frustrating, but truly, no one is to blame. I recognize that. 

Still. What do you do as an ask-a-phobic who is trying to recover by mustering the nerve to request a favor, all for not? I dunno. I guess that's the next step in my recovery program yet to be tackled. I have faith I'll get there. But what do I do in the meantime? I still need help, and now I'm frustrated because I'm running out of options. I asked other people for help, so that's a step in the right direction - but they may decline as well. 

Okay, so you can understand a bit more, I made a commitment to someone and now it's being challenged due to a work request. While perhaps work might come first in most minds, I made the previous commitment months ago and will stand by it. That's just who I am. I have yet to go back to the first party and ask them if they can find an alternative person to help them because, while I am sure they'd understand, it's not their responsibility to find ME a replacement. Is that me having too much pride? Or just being an adult? I guess I just have to trust that however this situation pans out is exactly how it was meant to be but I can tell you, I really want the best of both worlds right now! Meet my commitment, find a replacement, and travel for work! Help!

Side note: Mrs. Doubtfire is blaring from the TV in the background. As I half type, half listen I can't help but immediately, and sadly, wonder... What if Robin Williams had asked for help? Could he have asked for help? Where was his genie? And why can't we all be each other's genies to grant wishes of hope and help? Go ahead. Rub and ask.    

Tuesday, August 23, 2016


Look at me! Ok, well you can't really look at me (unless you're a freak and staring in my windows) blogging from my antique laptop! I haven't used this laptop for well over a year, if not closer to 2 and let me be unlady-like and share it's age. If I am estimating correctly my laptop, which Chrome no longer supports, is roughly 13-14 years old! The best thing though is, it's like those people addicted to vintage typewriters to publish their prose from - it just feels natural (so no, I don't really have an interest in updating it). So yay for me and my old 'puter reunion. One positive thing to come out of today.

Speaking of, having found a double yolk in my egg this morning (I didn't cook, my favorite chef at work spoils me by catering to my specific breakfast sandwich requests) I thought it an omen of something fun and fortuitous to come. Turns out I was dead wrong. No, my day wasn't the worst it could ever be, but it ended with my boss in tears and me near tears due to work related stress. I refuse to rehash the details here because I don't want to relive it but it totally sucked. Ok - well I'll give a small abridged version here...

Others: There's a big fat problem!
Me: Ok, here's what I will do to fix it.
Others: (21 days later) What did you do? Why? Who told you that you could? That was wrong! That was a bad decision!
Me: At least I made a decision so poop on you and your finger pointing.

End Scene

Yeah, I wish it was as simple as stated above, but in reality, that is about the gist of the situation. Despite it, I am trying to look at the positives going on. The positives that I am trying to create for myself like...

I got accepted to participate as a Team Fox member in the upcoming Chicago Marathon/5K. Umm, yeah, I'm doing the 5K portion of that run, not the marathon. None the less, I'm excited to be a part of what I consider a worthwhile charity, Parkinson's research. Parkinson's scares me. Any physical debilitating disease scares me. I can't imagine and I pray I never have to experience a disease that leaves me mentally clear, yet trapped in a restrictive body. I am not here to debate what disease in existence is worse, because quite frankly, anything without a cure is horrible. I just happened to stumble upon reading Michael J. Fox's book, "Always Looking Up" and found a connection with his work. 

In addition to this event, I've reached out to two local entities for volunteer opportunities. I am not sure what, if anything, will pan out with these two options but I do hope for something! I miss volunteering but have struggled to find a fit. These two (my new, local park district and a school) are exciting prospects that I actually feel emotionally energetic about, versus drained at the thought of doing. 

So yeah...that's me. Working on some positive things. Blogging a bit. Finding motivation to train and get in the gym. Volunteer hopefuls. I'm working on always looking up, and leave you with this quote, which I like to direct towards life itself...
“If you don't take the time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?” 

― Michael J. Fox  

Friday, August 19, 2016

Bus Fare

Someone recently mentioned they were riding the "struggle bus". I found it cute. Annoying. And pretty much dismissed the comment. But now I find myself riding my own struggle bus and all I can say is, how the eff did I get on, and how the eff do I get off?!

I am having such a hard time balancing things. Okay, balancing me. I thought after all the "big events" in my life had occurred, that life would get back to normal. I'd find a routine. I'd get back to doing the things that made me, me. I'm not talking let's build the Great Wall of China here. I'm talking about seemingly simple things, like working out, doing a 5K, and volunteering. But when I think of those things now, I feel exhausted. I feel too exhausted to plan any of those activities, and yet, mentally beat myself up because I'm not doing them. I struggle with spending my time with others (and thoroughly enjoying it) versus doing "me". How do I give up things that currently make me happy in order to do something that I find mentally exhausting, yet know will help me be a better me in the long run? Seriously, this is only shit women do to themselves in their own heads. Ugh.

So how do I win the battle against myself and my own thoughts? I'm writing it (my goals) here, if ever so vaguely, because they say that writing down your intentions improves the likelihood of following through on them. Of course, writing down my intentions also leaves me open to you reading this and then asking me how I'm doing on my goals. Which in turn will just be a painful reminder of goals not met if I've made no progress. So hey, how about you just not ask, okay? Just know that I've asked the bus driver to stop, I've pulled the cord, and if the bastard won't let me off the bus, I'll jump. Just wish me luck for a safe landing. 

Friday, August 12, 2016


I've been watching the Olympics and find myself enjoying the competition and can appreciate what the athletes have done in practice and sacrifice to get where they are today. While the events and medals are nice, I must admit, I've gotten sidetracked on lessor things such as why the dive pool is green, Ryan Lochte's hair color, and what I think is a pretty ridiculous set of statements.

I recently read an article that stated the Olympic gymnast coach of the US men's team was envious of the women's team recent wins and performances. He then stated that the women's gymnastics team garners more attention than their male counterparts unfairly, and went as far to say that the differences in age and responsibilities among the men and women were to blame.

To justify his statement, the coach explained that because the women's team is mostly composed of teenagers they are less stressed in life compared to their post-college and sometimes married counterparts. The daily stress of life cause the men to be less focused on their talent? That's exactly what he said. Ironically, he did not point out that there were 3 distinct falls from his team members causing them to score poorly in their events. (And he obviously doesn't recall how stressful being a teen and trying to fit in can be!)  

The article went on to state that the men watched the women seemingly enjoy their craft, and that they looked comfortable and confident in their routines. Both traits they themselves wished to possess. I would think that only a person who truly loves their sport could be committed enough in heart and soul to be good at it. At least, gold medal good. So what gives? The guys are jealous that they don't do as well and don't enjoy their sport as much as the women? 

Perhaps the men should take advantage of the coaching programs offered and used by their female counterparts. The women's team has a mental health coach to help the girls with the stresses of life, the sport,and the rugged practice regime. What's wrong with a guy getting some mental help? They obviously can't pile on the make up and stack their hair with a massive amount of pins, bows and barrettes to equal the playing ground (another disadvantage to the men's team per the article), so here's an idea. Get good, or get out.

Given the historical and current inequities between the sexes, especially in the work force, I have little tolerance of any group calling injustice when women succeed based on hard work and talent. Representatives of the men's team went on to say that the media does a better job of covering the female events, further adding to their male detriment. Perhaps the low media coverage does play a part in the lack of general interest in men's gymnastics. Is it fair? Probably not. But I will assume that part of the media's (obvious) job is to give the world what it wants. And that, is the women's gymnastics team. One could argue the same logic in reverse when it comes to other sports such as men and women's basketball - which one receives the better coverage? But I digress.

Barring the (small) compliment that they did acknowledge the grace and presence of their female counterparts, the men sound like a sad bunch of whiners. I would expect competitors at the Olympic level be a much better sport about their sport. The world isn't fair in it's battle of the sexes and seriously, if you want to say that the women have an edge on you (as a man) in gymnastics because they're younger, wear make up, aren't married, and enjoy their sport, well you're part of what's wrong with the world. The women's gymnastics team flat out, out performed the (US) men and every other country's females on the mats. And more so, they have the medals to prove it.  

Monday, August 1, 2016


Sunblock fail.
(At least I have something to prove that I enjoyed the summer weather
outdoors before it all just passes me by, right?)