Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Butthole?

You've seen them, you know who I'm talking about...those people who don't heed the "RIGHT LANE CLOSED AHEAD" signage that's plastered for miles and miles before it actually occurs. They insist on attempting to cut you off, no turn signal, and all but nudge you out of your lane, THE CORRECT LANE by the way, in efforts to get a car length or two ahead of you. Now, I don't know about you, but a turn signal goes a long way with this girl, so if you use one, I'll usually let you in, but if you try to muscle in without it - good luck. The problem is, why do you, the Butthole driver who is clearly inconsiderate of your traffic mates, insist on blowing your horn and flipping me the bird, when you're the dork in the clearly marked WRONG lane? I'm sorry, I don't believe in the "No car left behind" program. As far as I'm concerned, you can sit on the side of the road until you learn the kindergarten rule, "NO CUTTING IN LINE". So as my mother would say, "Stick that horn!". (Thanks Mom.)

Butthole move number two? I tell you the truth. It doesn't even matter the subject, but if it's personal, and the truth, and you just happen not to like it, you get mad at me. Why? I understand people's versions of the truth can be subjective, but if you happen to agree with me, and you know what I speak is true, why do you get mad at me? Dork. Ever heard of, "Don't shoot the messenger?". Live it, learn it, love it.

You all might not know this Buttholer move, but what about the Hinter? Let me explain. The Hinter is that person who hints about things, places they want to go or even how they FEEL but they never ask, follow through or discuss what's on their mind. I may or may not indulge the hinting, but if I don't, don't get pissed at me for not spoiling you and humoring you like your parents obviously did. I assume that if you aren't brave enough to ask for what you want, then you don't want it (whatever IT is) all that badly. I was taught at a young age to ask for what you want, and while you might not get the answer you want, you still at least have an answer. As for your feelings, if you choose not to discuss them with me given all the current technological opportunities (text, e-mail, instant messenger, phone, fax, etc) then sit on it. Yep, I said it. Sit on it. And don't think that bringing up your issues 6 months after the fact will be appreciated either. I can't do anything about it 6 months after the fact and more so, I shouldn't be considered the Butthole when I wasn't given the opportunity to adjust my behavior that offended you in the first place.

Additionally, if you're one of those "Open Ended" Buttholes, I don't like you either. You're similar to the Hinter Butthole above, but you basically trick your counterpart into inviting you to do something like brunch, dinner, or a movie because you drone on about how lonely you are. But once the invite is cast, you pretend that you're too busy to partake in the suggested activities! You know, you've heard it, the Open Ended Rear End says something like, "Oh, we should hang out for dinner some time", and when it's followed up with multiple invites with specific dates, the Butthole's response is, "Oh, let me check and get back to you". And they NEVER get back to you! Don't waste my time and efforts in planning something if you're going to just leave me hanging. And, even better, don't consider ME the Butthole when I never, ever invite you to ANYTHING ever again.

So there you have it, various ways on how to be a Butthole. You can choose to give Buttholes the benefit of the doubt in any given situation, and of course there are always exceptions to the rule, but most of all, just don't be a Butthole. Everyone already has one, no one needs an extra.

1 comment: