Sensitive

I get called "sensitive" all the time, and it's never meant as compliment. That combined with the zodiac sign of Cancer the Crab (emotional by nature) I seem to get the double whammy of stereotypes.  But have you ever thought that maybe some people are just too brash? Maybe it's not me at all. Maybe it's them.

Ok, maybe there's some stock to it all, zodiacs and personality, but not as much as some people want to add to it. When I hear, "You're too sensitive!", the only thought in my head, though hardly ever stated is, "Maybe you're just an offensive a-hole!". With all the bad raps us sensitive people seem to get, I was pleasantly surprised to stumble upon the quote below. Here's to all my sensitive peeps! 

“Sensitive people are the most genuine and honest people you will ever meet. There is nothing they won’t tell you about themselves if they trust your kindness. However, the moment you betray them, reject them or devalue them, they will end the friendship. They live with guilt and constant pain over unresolved situations and misunderstandings. They are tortured souls that are not able to live with hatred or being hated. This type of person needs the most love anyone can give them because their soul has been constantly bruised by others. However, despite the tragedy of what they have to go through in life, they remain the most compassionate people worth knowing and the ones that often become activists for the broken-hearted, forgotten and the misunderstood. They are angels with broken wings that only fly when loved.” ― Shannon L. Alder

Bike!

Although I'm sure it's been there for months, I just discovered "it" in the gym today. A bicycle that actually has programmable workouts and adjusts itself during the program (in regards to resistance). I love it!!! My gym is small and free, so it doesn't have a lot of equipment that a large-scale fitness center may have, but man, this new toy is worth it's weight in gold to me! 

While I enjoy bicycling, I just don't take the time to do enough of it outdoors, and as far as a Spin class goes, let's just say I get lazy and don't crank the resistance like I should. And that's the great thing about my latest gym discovery! It's like a little drill sergeant screaming at me telling me to, "Move it!!!" while forcing me up random hills and long sprints. I can't tell ya how much I miss cycling on a regular basis, so this is a gym-dream come true! Can't wait for our next play date! Ooh-rah!!! 

Judgement

I've written numerous drafts as of late that lay unfinished and seem too insignificant to share, but the news of Robin Williams' death has moved me to, hopefully, type something that will "stick" and find it's way to actual publication. 

Robin Williams dead at 63. I immediately think that my father was 67 when he passed away 13 years ago, and that 63 is such a young age. "Man, Robin Williams was young", I think to myself. "No more movies", I selfishly think. How sad. What a talent lost. 

Robin Williams dies of suspected suicide. "How tragic", I think, as a new sadness rolls in upon my being. Empathy sucks. I research to see who he left behind. A wife and 3 children. Will they ever know the greatness of their father? I sure hope so. Will they ever know or understand the demons he fought? The demons he lost his soul to? I doubt it. 

I think some of the most beautifully talented people are the ones suffering the most. Deflecting their pain with a joke and smile, or diverting attention onto others versus themselves. Playing small in order to hide the pain. And as I read people's opinions of the actions that took place, I shake my head in sadness and fight back the tears. Not because I knew Robin Williams but because I know depression.

Depression is sneaky. It hides behind smiles and diversions of self. Depression cons you into thinking that there are no brighter days ahead. Depression is a chemical bitch, and not a choice. While some proclaim suicide as selfish, I find I focus more on how utterly and devastatingly tragic it is that someone did not get the help they needed in order to be able to hang on for one more day. And as easy as it is for me to type that, "there's always another day", the fact is, depression can convince you otherwise. And bless you if you've never had to deal with the beast.

I commonly say and think, that I cannot imagine how much pain one has to feel to carry out a suicide. I cannot fathom feeling so badly that I felt that there was no other way out, and trust me, I've had some very down days. As down as those days were for me, all I can feel is horrible that for someone, somewhere, they've felt that bad and worse. And for feeling bad, and being chemically impaired or imbalanced, someone should not be judged. They should not be shamed for finding an end to their pain, rather they should be mourned in that they fought and lost the battle that depression invokes. There should be no talk of ungodliness and punishment, as surely they experienced those things in life.

Please think twice before judging someone's, most often, silent battle. Depression is not weakness and suicide is not selfish. It's sadly a coping mechanism, or rather, a lack there of. Life is hard enough, and even harder for some, without having to take on the judgement of others. You must know that when judging someone else in life or death, that you can not actually begin to have even the slightest inkling of the battle going on within them. Try understanding first. Try love first. And perhaps tragedies that so often happen alone, wouldn't have to happen at all. Rest in peace and be free Robin Williams.

"The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”  ― David Foster Wallace

Cowalunga 2014

Today I rode in my first Cowalunga bike ride! I choose, for starters and as a first time rider, the 18 mile, one day ride. I wasn't sure what to expect from such a big event (up to 190 mile/3 day ride) but what I got was so much more. I felt very welcome despite the large crowd of riders and truly supported as a first time rider, both emotionally and physically. I appreciated the encouragement from other riders, the "How ya doin' Lynn?" questions from the mobile SAG team, and the attention to my bike from the technical team throughout the route and day. 

The weather was beautiful and the ride through the northern farmland of Illinois (and into Wisconsin) was peaceful and serene. There was little traffic and lots of rolling hills and horse farms, it was simply gorgeous. Well, except for those two back-to-back hills that about killed me and a few other riders, but we all made it! (I didn't know I could pedal that slow up a hill!)

I am so happy I signed up for and attended this ride. I have to admit, the morning of I was a bit scared and thoughts of, "what happens if I can't make the whole ride?" went through my head. But I actually maintained a much better speed than I thought I would have (about 13.5/14mph) and can't wait to do it again next year! Best of all, today's ride leaves me inspired to take some bike maintenance classes and to become a more efficient rider. After all, I got miles to ride!

~ Ready to ride my first Cowalunga! ~